i awake to find no peace of mind

January 19, 2011 Leave a comment

School isn’t fun anymore. It hasn’t been fun in a while.

It’s a lot of work, and a lot of studying, and listening, and corrections. For the first time, I’m being challenged. It can only get harder. Now, call me crazy, but I’m not looking forward to it getting harder. I’m really not.

But, then I think of how it was before. I think that I appreciate my education a whole lot more now. I’m being challenged in an environment where I feel safe. It feels good to call my high school my high school.

Even if my English teacher gives me a bad grade.


Categories: Uncategorized

I want someone to need me. Is that so bad?

January 12, 2011 1 comment

I don’t mind Nick Jonas. Ehh. He’s just as credible as any other artist, he’s just a Disney star. My title today is from him.

I don’t like how lonely I feel. I don’t like how selfish I sound. I don’t like that people around me seem to be so much more personable than I am. I don’t like that I’m not expected to have a boyfriend. I don’t like that certain people qualify me as a loner. I don’t like that sometimes I go against my morals. But today I’m tired of being optimistic. Let me be cranky. Don’t freak out. Understand my feelings.

I only I have one friend who can do that. She knows who she is. <3


Categories: Relationships

it’s alright

January 5, 2011 1 comment

I’m not stressed at this current moment. Because there’s no need to be.
Yes, I have finals next week.
Yes, I have to study.
Yes, stress might encourage me a little.
But is it healthy? No sir.

I do have to study though. So this is being cut short.

always caught up in you.


Categories: Ramblings Tags: , , ,

midst of confusion

January 1, 2011 Leave a comment

It’s the new year! It’s a new start!
One more year behind us.
One more year till we reach that “something”.
One more year we got through.
One more year…

I’m never really that excited for New Years.

When ever we go into the new year, I don’t feel nostalgic, and I don’t feel fresh and new…instead, I just feel like it’s another day. Because that’s what it is. Another day.

My heart doesn’t feel rejuvenated, and my soul doesn’t feel excited. I just feel like I’m living another day in the life. Not to be pessimistic or anything. But imagine this: we have no calendars. No clocks, no timers, no nothing. Just the sun to keep the time. How on earth would we know whether or not it was a new year? How would we know how old we are? How would we know how much time we think we have left?

We have to live each day by itself, never saying “Oh, I’ll do this next time” or “That’s a good thing that I’ll do next year”. It has to be instant. Because no matter what people say, no day – no minute – no moment on this earth is guaranteed. I’m not saying that to be pessimistic, either; it’s real, it’s scary, and it’s unknown. I even have doubts about what will be there in the future, after this life ends…

All I’m trying to say is that we should have a little faith in today. Make today your best day ever. Make this moment the best one. Say something you’ve always wanted to say. Do something you’ve always wanted to do. Be the person you’ve always wanted to be. If you live each second like it’s your last, you’d be amazed at how much you could accomplish.

Now, I’m not saying go crazy or anything. Make sure it’s all in good taste. Keep it classy.

And remember: everyday you have the opportunity to have a fresh start. You can be washed in Jesus’ blood and made clean again. You have that choice, every second of every minute of every hour of every day.



December 21, 2010 Leave a comment

Christmas. Break. Is. Ahh. Mazing.

Honestly, though, it seems like my brain yearns for vacation the older I get. All the stress that took over my mind the past few weeks finally has a chance to get out, and I can just completely chill.

When I get stressed, I turn into a different person…like an alien, you know? From another planet where people are angry all the time.

I’m just happy to me myself again.


Categories: Uncategorized

it’s been a long time coming

December 19, 2010 Leave a comment

I like when I can think straight. It just takes a good Sunday morning for that to happen. It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to think without something insignificant getting in the way of my mind flow.

This is my first post in a while. I’ve haven’t had time to write anything significant in a long time, but I’m hoping this winter break I can write something every couple of days. I’m excited to start writing more again. But, for today, all I have is a poem. I hope it’s alright.

When the lights dim outside
Someone seems to whisper in my ear
“Nighttime is here.”
The wind blows across my face
And leads me to a forsaken place
Where no one else dares to walk or run
A place that is void of the sun.
When the light shines on that trail
Someone seems to whisper in my ear
“Daytime has come.”
The flowers bloom at an alarming rate
I feel like loving the things I hate
And nothing is important anymore
God has relived my every sore.
When the dusk hits my window pane
Someone seems to whisper in my ear
“What will you do now?”
And I sit.
And I think.
And I dream of what I could do
And then I realize that this time
This specific time of day
Has been made, just for me and You.
I go to that forsaken place
Wait until the sun hits my face
And scream to the world
“Everything’s alright,”
For You hold my hand
And that is my new definition of grace.


Categories: Uncategorized

a lack of color

December 1, 2010 Leave a comment

“And when I see you, I really see you upside down. But my brain knows better, it picks you up and turns you round, turns you around, turns you around.”

When I listen to this song, I think of the airs we put people on when we fall for them. Fall for their acts. Or even when they’re being true; when we first meet people that we feel attracted to, we automatically get a sense of them being a completely different person. They change in our minds; we sometimes don’t even get to know them that well, because we don’t want our views of them to change. But then, you start to find the real parts of them – some things you like, some you don’t. When you find things that are good, even better than you expected, it’s great; but when they start to let you down, it feels kind of crummy.

This first line of the song “A Lack of Color” by Death Cab for Cutie could be interpreted in that way. It could also be interpreted in another way, though. Possibly, when we see people that we are angry with, their images become distorted. We see them as evil people that broke our hearts. But the brain knows better – it shows us their true side. But when we realize that we have overexaggerated, we sometimes find that it’s too late:

“I’m reaching for the phone, to call at 7:03 on your machine I slur a plea for you to come home, but i know it’s too late. I should have given you a reason to stay. Given you a reason to stay.”

Hopefully, the brain at one point can work a little faster. But for now, all we can do is regret.

“This is fact, not fiction, for the first time in years”

Categories: MuSiC