i awake to find no peace of mind

School isn’t fun anymore. It hasn’t been fun in a while.

It’s a lot of work, and a lot of studying, and listening, and corrections. For the first time, I’m being challenged. It can only get harder. Now, call me crazy, but I’m not looking forward to it getting harder. I’m really not.

But, then I think of how it was before. I think that I appreciate my education a whole lot more now. I’m being challenged in an environment where I feel safe. It feels good to call my high school my high school.

Even if my English teacher gives me a bad grade.

-chloe

I want someone to need me. Is that so bad?

I don’t mind Nick Jonas. Ehh. He’s just as credible as any other artist, he’s just a Disney star. My title today is from him.

I don’t like how lonely I feel. I don’t like how selfish I sound. I don’t like that people around me seem to be so much more personable than I am. I don’t like that I’m not expected to have a boyfriend. I don’t like that certain people qualify me as a loner. I don’t like that sometimes I go against my morals. But today I’m tired of being optimistic. Let me be cranky. Don’t freak out. Understand my feelings.

I only I have one friend who can do that. She knows who she is. <3

-chloe

it’s alright

I’m not stressed at this current moment. Because there’s no need to be.
Yes, I have finals next week.
Yes, I have to study.
Yes, stress might encourage me a little.
But is it healthy? No sir.

I do have to study though. So this is being cut short.

always caught up in you.

-chloe

midst of confusion

It’s the new year! It’s a new start!
One more year behind us.
One more year till we reach that “something”.
One more year we got through.
One more year…

I’m never really that excited for New Years.

When ever we go into the new year, I don’t feel nostalgic, and I don’t feel fresh and new…instead, I just feel like it’s another day. Because that’s what it is. Another day.

My heart doesn’t feel rejuvenated, and my soul doesn’t feel excited. I just feel like I’m living another day in the life. Not to be pessimistic or anything. But imagine this: we have no calendars. No clocks, no timers, no nothing. Just the sun to keep the time. How on earth would we know whether or not it was a new year? How would we know how old we are? How would we know how much time we think we have left?

We have to live each day by itself, never saying “Oh, I’ll do this next time” or “That’s a good thing that I’ll do next year”. It has to be instant. Because no matter what people say, no day – no minute – no moment on this earth is guaranteed. I’m not saying that to be pessimistic, either; it’s real, it’s scary, and it’s unknown. I even have doubts about what will be there in the future, after this life ends…

All I’m trying to say is that we should have a little faith in today. Make today your best day ever. Make this moment the best one. Say something you’ve always wanted to say. Do something you’ve always wanted to do. Be the person you’ve always wanted to be. If you live each second like it’s your last, you’d be amazed at how much you could accomplish.

Now, I’m not saying go crazy or anything. Make sure it’s all in good taste. Keep it classy.

And remember: everyday you have the opportunity to have a fresh start. You can be washed in Jesus’ blood and made clean again. You have that choice, every second of every minute of every hour of every day.

-chloe

whaaaaaaat?

Christmas. Break. Is. Ahh. Mazing.

Honestly, though, it seems like my brain yearns for vacation the older I get. All the stress that took over my mind the past few weeks finally has a chance to get out, and I can just completely chill.

When I get stressed, I turn into a different person…like an alien, you know? From another planet where people are angry all the time.

I’m just happy to me myself again.

-chloe

it’s been a long time coming

I like when I can think straight. It just takes a good Sunday morning for that to happen. It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to think without something insignificant getting in the way of my mind flow.

This is my first post in a while. I’ve haven’t had time to write anything significant in a long time, but I’m hoping this winter break I can write something every couple of days. I’m excited to start writing more again. But, for today, all I have is a poem. I hope it’s alright.

When the lights dim outside
Someone seems to whisper in my ear
“Nighttime is here.”
The wind blows across my face
And leads me to a forsaken place
Where no one else dares to walk or run
A place that is void of the sun.
When the light shines on that trail
Someone seems to whisper in my ear
“Daytime has come.”
The flowers bloom at an alarming rate
I feel like loving the things I hate
And nothing is important anymore
God has relived my every sore.
When the dusk hits my window pane
Someone seems to whisper in my ear
“What will you do now?”
And I sit.
And I think.
And I dream of what I could do
And then I realize that this time
This specific time of day
Has been made, just for me and You.
I go to that forsaken place
Wait until the sun hits my face
And scream to the world
“Everything’s alright,”
For You hold my hand
And that is my new definition of grace.

chloe

a lack of color

“And when I see you, I really see you upside down. But my brain knows better, it picks you up and turns you round, turns you around, turns you around.”

When I listen to this song, I think of the airs we put people on when we fall for them. Fall for their acts. Or even when they’re being true; when we first meet people that we feel attracted to, we automatically get a sense of them being a completely different person. They change in our minds; we sometimes don’t even get to know them that well, because we don’t want our views of them to change. But then, you start to find the real parts of them – some things you like, some you don’t. When you find things that are good, even better than you expected, it’s great; but when they start to let you down, it feels kind of crummy.

This first line of the song “A Lack of Color” by Death Cab for Cutie could be interpreted in that way. It could also be interpreted in another way, though. Possibly, when we see people that we are angry with, their images become distorted. We see them as evil people that broke our hearts. But the brain knows better – it shows us their true side. But when we realize that we have overexaggerated, we sometimes find that it’s too late:

“I’m reaching for the phone, to call at 7:03 on your machine I slur a plea for you to come home, but i know it’s too late. I should have given you a reason to stay. Given you a reason to stay.”

Hopefully, the brain at one point can work a little faster. But for now, all we can do is regret.

“This is fact, not fiction, for the first time in years”

me gusta fuego, me gustas tu.

Isn’t it spectacular how we still stress over these little things in life that affect us each day?

We at times feel lonely, awkward, or rejected. But none of that is anything in comparrison to what God has to go through each day. Millions of people ignoring his message and sending Him away, even though He left the one thing that was most precious to Him to die, for our sakes? For our sake, so that we could just completely reject His word. Ultimate rejection. Yet, He smiles at us. I believe He is not ashamed. Because with each breath we take, we have the chance of glorifying Him. That chance that we have was given to us by the Lord. It’s like God having faith in us, like we have faith in Him. If only we had faith in ourselves.

If you’re looking for acceptance, love, and other good, warm, fuzzy feelings, just close your eyes and tilt your head forward. You’ll find it. If you believe it.

-chloe

ramblings?

Another night when I’m just plain high off life. Pretty sweet.

It’s joyous to me when I look outside and there’s sunshine and life. I like the feeling of the sun on my back. It’s relaxing.

I’m not feeling very artsy at the moment.

Songs that have been stuck in my head since my last post:
1. Wake Me Up! Before You Go-Go – Wham!
2. Know How – Young MC
3. Streets on Fire – Lupe Fiasco
4. Tenderness – General Public
5. Sunday Kind of Love – Aretha Franklin

Movies that have made me happy:
1. Whip It
2. Good Morning, Vietnam
3. Baby Mama
4. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone
5. Good Will Hunting

It’s not too far off
Just a few more years, or days
It’s not too far off.

lovely.

It’s a love kind of thing.

It’s that time when you feel cold, but you know someone is going to warm you up. It’s a feeling of contentment. Dizziness. Laughter. Nothing had to be confined, and nothing has to be defined. Everything falls perfectly into place.

The heart starts to burst. I can imagine it, with that disturbingly red fluid flowing to each and every place. It’s amazing how something that can cause people to faint can metaphorically bring so much happiness, spreading to each different part of the body, providing love.

The only reason I keep a smile on my face. The only way I can keep it there at most times.

He’s a great God.

There’s no reason to be sad. Well, there actually are reasons to be sad. But this world is so trivial to God. It’s like…

He’s waiting for us to come home. That’s all.

My heart flows with these words, and all I wish to do is give them to anyone who wants to hear.

I pray that God continues with the good stuff, and constantly reminds me that He is there to help me with the no-so good stuff.

-chloe